I Give Up

I wish I could walk you through what has been going on in my life since the beginning of this year, before the FortyOne20 Ministries blog was even launched. But I can’t. I wish I could help you understand that I’m not really giving up or walking away, I’m just at a God-0rchestrated standstill. But I can’t. I wish I could hang on to all of the people who are going to walk away from me because they don’t understand. But I can’t.

I wish it all boiled down to my circumstances. But it doesn’t. I wish it was as simple as my not having enough faith. But it’s not. I wish it was because I’m being sinful and disobedient, and hey, I just had it coming. But that’s not quite how it is. I wish you could help me. But you can’t.

Before I say what I have to say today, I want you to understand that I know exactly what this looks like. Please believe me when I tell you that under the surface something completely different is happening, and I can’t tell you about it because it’s between me and God. I’m a naturally transparent and vulnerable person, so I want to tell you about it, but this time (and perhaps only this time) I have to keep it close – it is that personal.

I want you to know I am at peace with what is happening. I do not entirely know why things are happening now the way they are – but… they are. I recognize that God is always good, all of the time, and that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I love Him and am called according to His purpose, so like everything else, I know this cannot be bad. As with everything else, God is bringing me through the transformation process.

Lastly, I need you to know that this is not about you. I’m not sure it’s entirely about me. I’m not trying to hurt you when I do (or do not do) things – it’s just not personal. It’s about my relationship with God and drawing closer to Him as He strips distractions away. Please understand that there are days when it is excruciatingly painful, and I may just need to be alone with God. I love you all, welcome your encouragement and exhortations, but some days… Some days I may not receive it the way you intended it to be taken.

***

For month of August, there will be no content on the FortyOne20 Ministries blog. I am doing a guest post at Barefoot Hippie Girl sometime next week reviewing The Dark Knight Rises but otherwise there will be no content. I am hoping to use this next month to build content, re-vamp our online presence, design a logo, enlist some co-directors and develop the production proposals for our upcoming video projects. It is my intention to be back with content three times a week and our production plan in the beginning of September, but God may have another plan and direction for FortyOne20 Ministries, and I will wait for Him. I will update you towards the end of August if this is the case.

Right now, though, God’s mandate to me is simple: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

It’s funny because I always thought there must be something horribly wrong with a believer who is sitting still. Shouldn’t we always be going and doing? The story of Mary and Martha just came to my mind, when Jesus tells Martha that she is troubled about many things, but Mary chose the one important thing – sitting at the feet of Jesus.  I was also reading in Exodus 14 earlier this week where God leads the Israelites out of Egypt into a place where they are blocked in and can’t move. Moses tells them to stand still and wait for the Lord’s deliverance. There was simply no other option.

I know some people will mistake stillness for stagnation, and to be honest, I am a little worried about those people. I have to trust God, and do and be what He wants me to do and be – even when it looks like nothing.

Later!

-Lydia-

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One Comment to “I Give Up”

  1. Reblogged this on Simply Lyddie.

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